A Comprehensive View of Iron Man 2

Stark is back in black, but will I be thunderstruck?

Iron Man 2 is set immediately after the first one. And so I am watching it immediately after the first one. I remember almost nothing about this film, which as I previously said, does not bode well. In terms of release order, this came out after the lacklustre Hulk and Thor movies, so it really needed to do its best to get the MCU back on track. Honestly around this time the MCU was beginning to flounder, if it wasn’t for the vision of the extended cinematic universe, it would have all fallen apart right here, and Iron Man would have just been a flash in the pan, one off, good superhero movie. Iron Man 2 pretty much singlehandedly saved the MCU, and then Captain America came along to restore faith right before the Avengers.

The film opens with someone attempting to recreate an Arc reactor in a scene that is reminiscent of Stark creating the first Iron Man suit in the cave, it’s a cool little throwback, and I guess there’s no mystery over who are villain is gonna be in this one. This ties in with the theme of the movie. Legacy. What do we leave behind? How are we remembered?

Tony believes he is some kind of unstoppable hero. His arrogance has tripled and his attitude seems to have regressed from where we left him in Iron Man. Tony is under pressure from the government to release the Iron Man suit to them, they view it as a dangerous weapon and want to replicate it so they can use it as a dangerous weapon. Obviously. The risk to national defense comes from the fact that the government believe other people can try and replicate the suit, but Stark assures them that nobody could or will even come close and he may as well turn to the camera, wink, and say “ever heard of foreshadowing?”

We find out that Tony is basically dying. The shrapnel stuck in his chest from the first movie is only kept out of his heart by the Arc reactor, but that same reactor is poisoning his blood. So he needs to find a way to both keep the shrapnel out of his heart, and not get poisoned to death. Neat. Also Peppa Potts is fucking annoying, I didn’t touch on this in the review of the first film, but she is one of the most irritating characters in all of cinema. She is whiny and naggy, and honestly the MCU would be better if she just did not exist. Not helped by the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is not a very good actress and is kind of an annoying human being.

This film makes up for Pepper’s inclusion by introducing us to two new characters. Happy Hogan, who was in the last film played by a different actor and didn’t really do anything, and Scarlett Johansson’s ‘Black Widow.’ Happy is total gold, and he only gets better as the movies continue. After the introduction of BW, we shift to the Monaco Grand Prix, where Stark comes face to face with the villain of this movie. Asian dude with electric whip. Tony beats him, says I am Iron Man, then dies on the spot, movie ends, credits roll.

Nope, the dude is arrested, Tony realises he fucked up and someone managed to recreate his reactor, and Tony’s competitor from Hammer takes an interest and decides he wants to use this new guy to take Stark on head to head. From what I can gather, this guy invented the Arc reactor that Stark’s dad first built and marketed. There are so many closeups of peoples faces here, I feel like I’m staring deep into the soul of electric whip man.

There’s also a lot of quiet murmured conversations in this film, and that gets a boo from me because it is past midnight and the loud sequences are VERY loud. I have also just noticed with the better lighting, that the whip man appears to not be Asian, but rather Russian? My bad, I’m not racist I just don’t pay enough attention and can’t be arsed going through and changing what I’ve written so far. We also now have a name. Ivan Vanko. Which I will remember because I still have no clue what the name of the bad guy in the last film was.

Really? Is the villain just gonna be another guy in another Iron Man suit? How imaginative. I’m bored, and I can’t even describe why?  The whole ‘sins of the father’ trope has been done to death, I’m more interested in Stark’s reactor dilemma than I am in anything to do with the villain. That’s what this film should be centred around, Tony presents himself to the world as almost a deity, constant comments are made about him being a God, and that makes his personal struggle so much more interesting, his private weakness is more interesting than someone going toe to toe with him publicly. I would much rather see the fallout of the population finding out that Stark is a dying man than have someone just straight up try to kill him. The public would have more of a field day with Stark failing his due to his own weakness rather than someone else’s strength.

Tony is beginning to go off the rails and so Rhodes suits up to take him down a peg. In one of the most interesting scenes in the film, Tony easily takes down War Machine and acts like an arrogant twat while doing so. Stark has people that care about him but he is so wrapped up in his own ego that he can’t even begin to see that people are trying to help him. Rhodes steals a suit, deciding that Stark is no longer suitable to be Iron Man, and gives it to the military. The character of Stark in this movie is flawless, he’s a dying man and he knows it. He has the attitude of a man who has given up hope. And now all he wants to do is have fun.

Every time the slime ball from Hammer is on screen I mentally check out. I really couldn’t care less about the villains of this movie, like I keep saying, Stark is his own foil, his own villain. What are these guys doing that Stark isn’t doing himself? The government is losing faith in the security that Iron Man is providing because of Stark’s own actions. No need for anyone else. There’s a lot happening here, and that’s good, it keeps the plot moving quickly, which it obviously needs to be doing. But when some of the film is just so unnecessary why should I care? Now that the military has a suit, what is the fucking point of Hammer industries inclusion in the movie?

I am not following the structure of this film at all, and it’s really dragging as a result. We’re flipflopping between characters left, right and centre and it’s hard to distinguish where one act ends and another begins.

Stark manages to create a new element or something that’ll save his life. The way he goes about it is cool, and his head levels out. As far as I’m concerned, the interesting part of the movie ends here. Ivan calls Tony to gloat and lure him out. With Stark fully healed, the plot threads start to come together, and all that we’re left with is Hammer being pricks. Shockingly, Ivan turns on the slimeball from Hammer, and uses the drones to wreak havoc at the press conference. Even the action here is just kinda lame. It’s just Tony flying around and dodging attacks, we’ve seen it already and we will see it again. The drones aren’t a real threat to civilians (except the kid in the Iron Man mask that is apparently Peter Parker) or even Peppa, so there are no real stakes here. Ivan escapes and Natasha saves the day. So anticlimactic.

Oh, but then Ivan shows up in his own suit. We get yet another robot fight, bored of them now, Ivan is defeated and presumably blown up and all the other drones all blow up and miraculously nobody is hurt. There’s an awkward, boring romance scene, and everyone lived happily ever after until the first Avengers movie.

This film was an absolute mess. Peppa is irritating, there was no need for the villain’s story, this could very easily have been a film about Stark struggling and falling victim to his own hubris. His personal issues were far more interesting than anything else in the film, and the inclusion of the S.H.I.E.L.D elements were appreciated too. Nothing with Ivan or Hammer was necessary or really enjoyable. This is a 5.5/10 for me. It has its moments, but it was my least favourite so far, and just didn’t really have much going for it outside of Tony’s character arc.

But next up is the Hulk. And I know that is not a good film. I cannot wait.

So far the ranking reads:

1.      1.  Captain Marvel

2.       2. Iron Man

3.       3. Captain America: The First Avenger

4.       .4. Iron Man 2

A Comprehensive View of Iron Man

This is where it all began.

There’s a special place in my heart for this one, being the first non-spiderman superhero movie I truly fell in love with, definitely a contender for my favourite movie with the words ‘iron’ and ‘man’ in the title. DC has the man of steel, Marvel has the vastly more popular man of iron, no wonder Sheffield’s steel industry went to shit, why even bother when iron does the trick? It’s also worth baring in mind that Iron Man isn’t just a telling of the story of Tony Stark, but in a way, the story of RDJ himself as well. This film is when he really began to turn his life around, and became a household name, it’s truly commendable.

As for the character of Tony Stark, this is the one who’s had the most screentime across the entire of the MCU, we’ve seen him grow, develop, win and lose far more than any other hero in this universe. There’s a reason why Stark is everyone’s favourite character, he’s the most human, the most relatable, which is odd considering he’s a multi-millionaire playboy.

The movie opens with the bangin’ ACDC track ‘Back in Black’ and Stark laughing with some soldiers while on tour in Afghanistan, seemingly due to the fact that Stark industries is the company that supplies the majority of the militaries weaponry. Yep, at his core, Stark is an arms dealer, profiting off war and providing the government with the means of killing all those terrible horrible middle easterners.

After something interesting happens we flashback to Tony not receiving an award he won, out gambling and picking up girls. It’s so strange seeing the character like this after seeing him all the way through to his end. After the flashback catches up to the desert, Tony is trapped in a cave by enemy forces and is forced into designing weapons for them. This is where the Iron Man prototype is first built, and where Tony comes face to face with the damage Stark industries has caused in the world.

This all perfectly introduces us to Tony’s character. He’s an arrogant prick, but he’s also a genius and certainly not a bad person by any means. Just sheltered. Spoilt. It’s a really effective way of showing us just what Tony is capable of, showing us his vices and highlighting what he’s going to have to overcome to become a hero. After escaping, Tony announces Stark industries will no longer continue to manufacture weapons, while he continues to work on the Iron Man suit. You know. A weapon.

One downside of the movie is the Potts/Stark relationship. There’s a lot of screentime devoted to the pair up, but I honestly couldn’t give a piss. The movie has a couple of pacing issues, and these scenes makes them slightly more obvious, they’re very slow and don’t really advance the plot.

Seeing Tony perfect the suit is so satisfying, but it drags on just a little too long. Fleshing out the villain would probably be a better way of spending our time here. Over halfway into the movie, and we still haven’t seen the suit in action, no awesome fight sequences or action set pieces, just Tony recklessly flying it to close to the moon and nearly freezing to death.

Who are the villains? Well we have some terrorists who want revenge on Stark for escaping and injuring them, and some old bald guy who isn’t happy about the new pacifist version of Stark Industries that Tony is pushing. He’s still selling weapons without Tony’s consent and Tony is not happy about it. Decent villains, but nothing special.

Iron Man isn’t quite as silly and funny as some of the later MCU offerings, but it certainly doesn’t take itself too seriously, almost of all the jokes and funny moments land perfectly, honestly the whole film is really well written. It sounds stupid now, but this must have been a breath of fresh air back when it first released. Compare its lighter tone with something like the Raimi Spider-Man movies, or Superman Returns or something. It really did set the standard for what a superhero film could be, a standard that DC have continuously ignored in their own movie universe.

The third act is comprised of a big flashy robot fight as Stark tries to save Pepper and stop the douchebag who tried to steal his company and his suit. Tony tragically dies in this fight after saying his iconic line, “I am Iron Man” which feels a little premature I’m not going to lie. It’s pretty good. The film ends by teasing the extended universe, which here just feels like sequel baiting. An extended universe of movies, what a stupid idea, it’ll never take off.

I really like this one, but on a rewatch, I don’t think it’s quite as good as I remember. Probably between Captain America and Captain Marvel. It’s great, succeeds in all the same ways as Captain Marvel really, pacing, writing, acting, but the effects on this one are so much better than Captain America and I cannot understand why. Anyway, 8/10, a real solid beginning for the MCU, and it had to be to get the films off the ground in the first place.

Next up, we have Iron Man 2. A film I’m sure I’ve seen at least once but have absolutely no memory of. That doesn’t bode well, the worst thing these films can be is forgettable. We’re creeping towards The Avengers and I’ve yet to find a film I don’t like. Bound to happen sooner or later.

The ranking so far reads:

1.       1. Captain Marvel

2.       2. Iron Man

3.       3. Captain America: The First Avenger

A Comprehensive View of Captain Marvel

A lady can’t be a superhero. She isn’t even doing any dishes.

So onto Captain Marvel as the next chronological film in the MCU. I have heard some seriously mixed things about this film, and when the sensitive matter of the lead not being a white, straight male is in play, it’s really hard to believe anything you read. So I’m kinda interested to see what I’m in for here. My friend Andy summed it up by saying “they focus on her more as a woman than a superhero”, and if that’s true, this film will be a total write off for me. All I know is I didn’t like her in Endgame. Where the fuck were you when Thanos was snapping his fingers?

Another thing worth mentioning is I could not care about the cosmic side of the MCU. Wasn’t really into Guardians, and also never really cared for Thor. Whether than trend will continue here or not is yet to be seen.

First impressions, the film is a visual spectacle, for sure. These massive CGI alien cities look really neat, and they’re a massive improvement over Captain America, although the films are 8 years apart. I have no idea what’s going on, who the Kree are, who the Skrull(?) are, but pretty lights make me happy. So I’ll give the opening a pass, I’m engaged and curious. One of the things I don’t like in movies is dark lighting. Yeah, I get its for mood and shit, but if I’m struggling to make out what’s going on, I’d rather just pay attention to something else. Like writing this for example.

The Skrulls are shapeshifting aliens. Bad guys, apparently. So it appears that Danvers is from Earth. Wanted to be a pilot in the US Air Force but seemingly struggled due to being a woman in the, I wanna say, 1980s? Perfect idea for a plot point, as they’re going through Danvers’ memories, I’m beginning to understand why some people would label this as overly feminist, if they were overly unconfident in their masculinity. All heroes have to overcome trials and tribulation in order to become the hero they need to be, Steve Rogers was a little fanny until he got some stupid injection, at least Danvers’ struggle makes sense.

So far, I like Danvers, she has a similar sort of attitude as Garfield’s Spiderman from ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ films, it works, it keeps action scenes entertaining with little quips and jabs. After escaping the Skrulls ship, Danvers crash lands on Earth, and I love that she just crashed right through the ceiling of a Blockbuster store. I have a few questions. How are the Skrulls hiding their weapons? I feel like you’d probably notice someone carrying a giant laser rifle around.

I am living for the Danvers/Fury ultimate team up. It is DOPE. As of now, I am pleasantly surprised, almost halfway through and I am thoroughly enjoying it. Fury seems a lot younger than his modern MCU counterpart, and that makes sense, seeing as he is in fact a lot younger. But seeing this lighter, funnier, more relaxed rendition of the character is a breath of fresh air.

The details of Danvers’ past is revealed in a seriously satisfying way. The movie keeps her past a mystery, revealing her true origin over halfway into the film. This is a really cool take on a superhero origin story, and this is the perfect character to do it with. Like, imagine if you found out Peter Parker got bit at the end of the 2^nd act of Spider-Man? You’d hardly be like “Ooooh, so that’s why he’s Spider-Man.”

The structure and pacing of this film is absolutely spot-on. There are some delicious plot twists and developments that just totally surprised me, this does not follow the tried and true hero origin story narrative at all. I don’t want to spoil anything in case you skipped out on this one like I did, but there’s a few decent ideas here.

If you saw Captain Marvel in Endgame and it put you off the character, think about it like this. You know that friend of a friend who when you meet him for the first time, he’s a massive dick, but when you get to know them, you realise they’re just really sarcastic and funny? That’s Carol Danvers.

The final fight is extremely satisfying, seeing Danvers just fucking let loose with her powers, that woman has some strength for sure. The way the film concludes and ties into the overall storyline of the MCU is also really cute to see. Predictable, but still very sweet.

In conclusion, this film was great. It was funny, fun, exciting, well-paced, well-acted, really well written, and it was a visual marvel, pun fucking intended. If I’m doing the scoring thing, I suppose I’ll give it an 8.5/10, I really enjoyed it. One of my favourites in the MCU for sure. And speaking of my favourites in the MCU, next up is the one that started it all. Iron Man, a film I know for sure that I fucking love.

So far the ranking reads:

1.      1.  Captain Marvel

2.       2. Captain America: The First Avenger

A Comprehensive View of Captain America: The First Avenger

I guess this is a movie review blog now. Deal with it.

So I should start of by stating that I have absolutely no knowledge of film, hell I don’t even like films all that much, I’m more of a TV show kinda guy. I also have very limited knowledge of comics, I know more than most, but certainly not as much as some. And when it comes to Captain America, well, I always just kind of mentally check out when he’s on screen, even during the ensemble movies. I legitimately forgot Civil War was technically a Captain America movie, and went all the way through to Endgame thinking that was Avengers 3.

The MCU movies to me are… Okay? Generally speaking, they’re overhyped action movies that have made a name for themselves because of the novelty of an extended universe, and not on the merits of the movies themselves. Well, I guess that’s a bit harsh, I seem to remember Iron Man being okay. Why am I going through all the MCU movies in timeline order if I don’t really care for them? Well, the Infinity Saga was wrapped up beautifully and I just need to see if my opinion has changed now that I’ve seen the absolutely amazing Endgame. So yeah. I’ll be reviewing every film in the MCU. Buckle up.

As of writing this, I’m watching the opening scene of Captain America, and the film has already made a terrible impression on me because in my top 5 least favourite things list are Nazis, and films I struggle to find a decent stream of. I have pretty low expectations for this film, cause as I’ve said, Steve Rogers is boring. ‘America’s Hero’, fuck you Steve, I’m not patriotic for my own country, let alone some other cunt’s.

On to the actual movie now. They do a damn good job making Steve look so feeble and meek, he genuinely looks like the kinda kid I would happily have tried to avoid hanging out with in school. The premise is he wants to shoot a load of Nazis, but the US government won’t let him cause he’s a massive fucking pussy. It’s kind of interesting have a superhero movie where the hero doesn’t learn how to be noble and heroic over the course of the movie, because Rogers already is that. He already has an innate sense of virtue, just wanting to stick up for the little man. This means the movie needs to give Steve a different kind of character arc, he must develop in a different way. I really like this as an idea.

Surprise surprise, the antagonist in this WW2 movie is the Nazi inside of all of us. And by us, I mean the Nazis. They’re doing some freaky ass experiment, because it wouldn’t be a superhero movie without magic/alien technology/freaky unrealistic science. While the Nazis are playing with their electric toys, the USA are pretending they were important in the war by creating super soldiers. The first of which is Steve Rogers himself. It’s about as basic as a superhero origin story can be.

Man this movie cannot stop hammering in what a “good man” Steve is. The thing with this idealistic hero having no obvious vices besides him being physically weak is that it just isn’t relatable, at least not to me. Regular people have problems, they have flaws in their personality, and as of now, we’ve seen none of Steve’s. The film expects you to just kind of fall in love at first sight, just immediately be on board with Caps journey. Because he doesn’t grow, neither does your relationship with the character. For example, when the friendly German doctor scientist dude bites the bullet, there’s no big Uncle Ben speech, “with great power comes great responsibility”, there’s just the guy touching his chest. I think the implication is he’s telling Steve not to change, but I like to believe he just wanted to feel those rock hard abs before he died.

Steve’s struggle becomes more apparent in the 2^nd act. He’s being used a poster boy for the US military, it seems like he won’t actually see the battlefield as he tours the country selling bonds and trying to get men to enlist. Steve is clearly frustrated that he can’t fight alongside the other men, but he also follows his orders, and gives his performances plenty of enthusiasm. Despite what I just said, this is the interesting part of Steve’s character, his blindly following authority. Steve and Peggy are cute too, I didn’t expect to like this relationship, but it is sweet.

Steve launches a moronic rescue mission to try and save Bucky who’s being held prisoner by some German bad guys. He succeeds against all odds, and comes face to face with the antagonist of the villain, man with red head, or MWRH for short. Jokes aside, I like Red Skull honestly, he’s just your typical bad guy doing bad things cause he’s a Nazi. It’s fine for the type of movie it is. We see Cap become the war hero he always wanted to be, yet his personality never wavers, it is quite neat I suppose.

We’re into the last act of this movie and I swear I have absolutely no clue what Hydra are trying to do. Weapons? That’s as best I can describe it. They’re pushing the Nazi regime with super advanced weaponry but that’s so lame. The action sequences in this movie are also pretty crappy. They’re just bland. Nothing to laugh at, but definitely nothing special.

Anyway, big showdown at Hydra base, Steve tries to stop MWRH from blowing up NYC, big cool fight on a plane and then shows over. Cap crashes into the ocean and drowns to death and Peggy bought a red white and blue vibrator as a replacement, everyone else lived happily ever after. Cap is woken up in the future by Sammy Jacky as Nick Fury, and that leads nicely onto the Avengers. But we aren’t going onto the Avengers. We’re going to something much, much worse. Apparently.

In conclusion, Captain America was actually, well, pretty good. I enjoyed it, and I didn’t expect to, but here we are. The acting was good, the pacing faltered in the last third of the movie, but was otherwise pretty strong and consistent throughout. As previously mentioned, I don’t care for the action scenes, the fighting isn’t great and some of the CGI was just horrible. But overall it doesn’t look too bad.

I’m not really sure if I should be scoring these, maybe ranking them in order? For now, we’ll give it a score. 7/10. Pretty good, but I still don’t think Cap is a fantastic character (even if I do like him more now) but the overall story was dope, and the film was paced well enough that it never really seemed to drag. And speaking of a drag, next up is Captain Marvel, according to some website that tells me the chronological order of the MCU movies. Now I actually haven’t seen that one, but I have heard not nice things said about it. So we’ll have to wait and see.

A Comprehensive View on why GameFreak are Incompetent

GameFreak aren’t lazy. They’re just incompetent.

I’ll kick this off by saying that I ain’t gonna start cracking off statistics about how easy it is to actually animate a ‘double kick’ attack, but if you want that info, it is on reddit. Reddit isn’t happy, and when that happens, you know they stole the idea from 4Chan, and that means it’s only a matter of time before Facebook and Instagram pick up on the hype.

So in case you haven’t heard, GF (not the Godfather, that would make this at least a little cool) have decided that not all Pokemon are worthy of entering the Galar region, mirroring the actual UK policy of denying access to the country for people we don’t deem as worth our time. I mean, why make the effort to give another human being a life that may one day be as good as ours, right?

The Gen 8 Galar Dex will take the total number of Pokemon to over 1000, which means we are another 160 years off the return of the ‘over 9000’ meme, and although the tears pour out as I’m writing this, I’m sure we will all live on. A lot of people who are defending the decision have brought up previous Pokemon games as a reason why over 1000 unique models and animations is a lot of work for one studio, and even more people have pointed out that they’re still reusing the old animations and models from the Gen 5 living Pokedex on the DSI or 3DS whichever one it was. I don’t care about that. I don’t wanna compare GameFreak to GameFreak, that’s like comparing apples and slightly shittier, worse animated yet even less apples. I want to compare GameFreak to Ubisoft.

Believe it or not, it may seem like all the workers at Ubisoft turn up in a grey suit that absorbs the colour of the objects around it and the employees at GameFreak turn up in fuckin cosplay, but they are both dev studios, and they both do *technically* the same job. And while we have no info on Watch Dogs Legion, I reckon we’ve got a good case for GF’s laziness, based on that alone.

Ya know,if Legion has over 1000 distinct character models, all with their own personalities, animations, weapons, and missions, I won’t eat my hat, I’ll eat my entire fucking wardrobe.

Having never played a Watch Dogs I am optimistic but realistic at the same time. But I expect at least a couple of hundred based on what they’ve said. A living, breathing London, with every non-enemy NPC being a potential playable character? That sounds like a hell of a lot more effort than copying and pasting the other 500 fucking odd mon that you accidentally sent to the recycle bin rather than the ‘Sword and Shield’ folder on your Windows 99 PC.

I’m inclined to say Nintendo is putting pressure of the not Pokemon Company, but if that were the case, I feel like they’d be putting pressure on Animal Crossing too. On top of that, the Q3/Q4 releases for Switch are beyond fucking ridiculous. Even on my 7 hours a week minimum wage, I can’t afford more than Mario Maker, Link’s Awakening and Fire Emblem, so God knows how the under 16s will keep up. No. Nintendo now seem too determined to stay on the right side of the press and minimise crunch. This is independent of them. Let’s move to the real problem here.

GameFreak are fantastic at sprite work. Every single Pokemon in the national dex in Gen V is absolutely gorgeous. Every town stands out, every city pops out of the screen of the console I’m playing on. Until we hit XY. And don’t get me wrong, the Pokemon models are beautiful. But describe to me the layout of one town from XY/SM I fucking dare you. They’re bland, they’re forgettable, every building looks the exact same. This is the real problem. GameFreak are not capable of being an AAA developer in the late 2010s.

They are riding a gimmick, a franchise, that they know sells. If Pokemon weren’t the worldwide phenomenon it is, a new Poke game would not sell compared to other contemporary RPG’s, they are ugly, they lack depth, and they’re nigh on broken beyond belief. The current controversy is just the beginning. This is either the beginning of a new age of Pokemon, or the beginning of the end. Either somebody competent will fix GF’s mistakes, or the franchise will lose the majority of its player base. I hope it is the former.

Genius Sonority were modelling 3D Pokemon way before it was cool, right back on the GameCube and have done a cracking job ever since. Come on GameFreak, this is the fucking help you need. I don’t want excuses about balancing or time restraints. I want to transfer my hard earned, hard caught, hard bred Pokemon, to be brought to life on a home console. If it isn’t too much to ask.

A Comprehensive View on Not Being a Dick to Barstaff

If I could throw your drink in your face, I fucking would.

So let me get one thing straight, I can’t tell you where I work or I could very well lose the job I so clearly love. What I will say, is I work for a bar that’s country-wide, starts with a W and ends with Brexit. The point is, everything I’m about to say is experienced first-hand, unlike my previous two posts. The fact that I know how to even set up a blog should be all the evidence you need that I wasn’t around when the IRA were initially a threat, and I heavily implied in my transphobia post that I’m not trans. I do, however, get paid minimum wage to serve the moronic 60% of the nation while they continue to treat me and my colleagues like shit on their sling glasses.

I don’t like whining, and this isn’t what this is. I’m going to get the moaning out of the way right now so that I can help you. Industry secrets and all that, I may not be old enough to have people phone the anti-terrorism hotline when I order a pint of Guinness, but I have spent a good few years on the wrong side of a bar. First of all, I don’t care what you order, I don’t get paid extra either way (which for those in the know means I definitely don’t work at the aforementioned UKIP hangout hotspot), so overcharging, underpouring, whatever else, it’s not resulting in me getting extra dollar at the end of my shift, or getting a nice little pat on the back from the bossman. The only thing that would happen to me if I got caught doing that is a quick firing and a guarantee I would never work in the easiest industry to access ever again, and as a thick piece of shit with no life skills, being blacklisted from bar work would spell the end of my bank statement not having a big old ‘-‘ at the start of it.

Adding to this. You’re drunk. I’m not. In most bars I’ve worked at. I know the drinks. You don’t. In most bars I’ve worked at. I know the prices- look, you get the idea here; my judgement is usually right, yours is almost always wrong. Fortunately for me, my current position doesn’t involve giving stupid people nice things, I get to sit in a neat little room with my only friend as a dishwasher I’ve nicknamed Daisy.

Okay, so let’s kick into the solid advice, that’ll definitely get a real publisher to hire me. I’m about to give you some solid does and don’ts for coming into a bar, ordering a drink, and leaving without making me want to drown myself in my only friend. I’ll start with the thing that angers me the most, especially at the minute. You don’t need the ice in the bottom of your glass, I know times are hard guys, but really? If I’m trying to collect the glasses off your table and you scream at me because there might still be enough liquid in there to give a flea a bath (if you try really hard), you’ve ruined my day and I think you’re a twat. As do the people who overhear you. I don’t think anyone finds being a dick to service staff attractive, short of actual fascists.

But this does bring me onto my first non-personal point. If a member of staff makes a mistake, and we do, we’re not perfect (well, I am, I’ve never fucked up in my life), address it calmly and with smiles all around. If someone serving you seems annoyed with this, it’s potentially two reasons. Reason one) they are pissed off that they’ve made a mistake. We’re busy. A cock up wastes your time, our time, and potentially company money, which leaves us in trouble. We aren’t angry at you, we’re angry at ourselves. Reason two) we haven’t made a mistake and you need to be drinking from a sippy cup, see my original point about my judgement being better than yours. If you’re going to complain about the amount of ice in your mojito, I’d rather you either looked up what you’d just ordered or didn’t breathe the same air as me.

The next thing is trying to get served at a busy bar. You’ll struggle to find anywhere that isn’t understaffed to high hell, if there’s even a single row of people at the bar, odds are, we don’t have the staff to clear them quickly, especially when you’re ordering a mixture of cocktails and hot drinks. Do you really need that hot chocolate at 10pm on a Saturday night? Or are you so sadistic that the hand you’re not paying with is stroking your dick through those Primark trousers you’re passing off as suit pants? Either way, stand, wait, make eye contact, and smile. Don’t click, whistle, wave me down with a bank note (I’m no stripper, bitch) or repeatedly ask “are you serving?” while I have a pint glass in my hand, pouring a drink. I will look at you like Medusa trying to craft a squid dildo. Honestly, aggressively trying to get my attention will just put you to the back of the queue in my mind. I can’t keep track of who was there before or after you, I don’t really care, but I also don’t really want to deal with pricks, so if there’s someone next to you waiting nicely, they’ll get served before you. 

Guaranteed.

Finally, some of us aren’t trained. Some of us are still basically kids. Let’s get personal again. I’m not physically gifted, I have a crippling addiction to nicotine, and my mental and emotional health died of malnutrition well before I stepped foot behind a bar. I’ve learned to deal, but the amount of staff I’ve seen walk because they can’t cope with the constant stream of bullshit that they have to deal with is far too high. I’ve had close friends cry on my shoulder because one person too many treated them like shit on shift, and all you’re doing is creating a staff vs customer mindset that doesn’t need to exist. We’re still human, with our own personal problems. What we can brush off one week, we can’t brush off the next. Just recently a very personal problem led to me having a full-on cry and breakdown and asking to be sent home, just because I broke a pint glass.

 I’ve always been a fan of the ‘be more kind’ mentality, and if everyone was, we’d all, well, be more kind. You know what career has the highest rate of suicide? Service staff, I’m not shitting you. You know what age/gender demographic has the highest rate of suicide? Of course you do, you’ve been on social media and seen people bitching about it, but there’s a very, very high overlap. Men aged between 18-35 probably make up the bulk of the service industry by a good amount, and I ain’t forgetting my girlies here either, love you guys.

I’m gonna go back to whining again. Do you really have to be a dick? Is your Saturday night truly made so much better by making some poor kid feel like shit for something that probably wasn’t even his fault? Sometimes we are wrong, sometimes we could do better, but we would want to do better if it felt like that was achieving something. All we want, at the end of the day, is to do our job, get paid, and go home. Same as you. So next time you head off for a pint, or some post-races cocktails, remember that by biting your tongue and being a decent human being, you’re probably preventing someone from having just, the WORST day.

Oh, and remember to tip. If you can.

Don't worry, a post on this whole Brexit bullshit is coming, very soon.

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A Comprehensive View of Transphobia

Finding one unexpectedly in your bathtub would scare you, but a fear of spiders is far more logical than this farce.

Transsexuality is a relatively modern concept, stemming from the famous biologist Miss Gender, who accidentally misspelled trains due to her rampant dyslexia. Things have been snowballing ever since, and we’ve seen a dangerous rise in people being comfortable in their own skin, having the right kind of support, and having to face a far more diverse and tolerant society. So naturally, the people are outraged.

For those who are unaware, a transgender person is someone who suffers from a very recognised mental illness (as real as a physical illness, but that’s a topic for another day) known as ‘gender dysphoria.’ This is exactly what it sounds like, if your bits don’t mean you’re a Bob, but you feel like you are one, you are well within your rights to request a name change to Robert (or David, Stephen, Michael, and King Polymorpheus the 2^nd) and people should, with extra emphasis on the should, refer to you by that name, as well as your preferred pronouns, be it he/she/they or whatever else.

While most were shocked to find out that the T in LGBT didn’t stand for ‘that’s all folks’, after a brief adjustment and a little reflection on our own personal values, most of us these days are happy to accept people for who they truly believe they are. Notice I say most. Perhaps I should make my stance on this very clear, if it isn’t already. I think it’s great, it’s pantaloon pot luck, stick your hand down someone’s pants (with permission) and see what you get, every day is Christmas when the sexual organs of your partner is a surprise.

Everybody’s scared of something, I’m scared of wasps, my brother is scared of being alone, and my girlfriend is scared of committing to anyone except the guy who lives across the street, it’s only natural to be afraid. However, some people are absolutely terrified of people who feel they were born in the wrong body, as if it might be contagious or something. I would say get vaccinated but there is quite a large overlap between those who are against transgenderism and those who are anti-vaccine, it’s almost like there’s a correlation between irrational beliefs and low intelligence or something.

This is commonly known now as transphobia, and it can come in many different forms, some more damaging than others. A refusal to use a person’s preferred pronouns is one chosen way for the ignorant to get themselves hated by their sensible friends and family, and let me make one thing clear. It is my personal belief that you get one mistake. You get your one, if someone corrects you and you keep going, and then shrug and get confused when they get ticked off with you, I’m going to expect you to justify this decision with medical records showing that you have serious brain damage. If you go pet a dog and it bites you, don’t then furiously rub its tummy while screaming “WHAT’S WRONG, I DON’T UNDERSTAND” then get upset when your MAGA hat falls off and people actually start looking at you with respect.

Another form fakeaphobia can take is the use of ‘dead names’, or probing for information about someone’s history as the gender they abandoned. The term ‘dead name’ refers to the name a person used when they were the wrong gender, and a vast majority of transsexuals want absolutely no association with it. Insisting on referring to someone by their dead name is like asking you what your dead wife’s perfume smelled like. Then they go out and buy you a bottle of that perfume and start spraying it on you while acting displeased that you’ve decided to get back on the dating scene.

Respect the past and leave it where it belongs, and respect the choices that people make with their lives. We all change drastically from day to day, just some change more than others. Some change their favourite food, their favourite colour, or what they want between their legs and that is okay. Your dad probably wasn’t a dad when he was your age, and my dad wasn’t a woman when she was my age, and hopefully nobodies dad is a dad to an intolerant child who can’t respect people’s rights to do what they want with their bodies.

NOTE: This post is trans approved!

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